What is she Wear(stler)ing?

Top Design is a popular show on Bravo where designers face a serious of difficult design challenges. These contestants compete for a cash-filled grand prize and the chance to show their work at New York’s Designer Showcase. The show itself is less “design” oriented (I doubt any of the contestants ever crafted a piece of furniture) and more of a “decorating” challenge, but ‘Top Décor’ probably wouldn’t cut it for American audiences.

Aside from some rooms looking pretty good and some contestants being fairly talented, I think the program’s biggest draw rests on one judge’s head… Kelly Wearstler.

Kelly Wearstler is an American interior designer who owns House of KWID. She has been praised as bringing maximalism to interior spaces, joining greats like Miles Redd and fellow Top Design judge Jonathan Adler. According to her Wikipedia entry, Wearstler is “particularly well-known for colorful mod-baroque commercial interiors, such as those of the Viceroy hotels in Palm Springs and Santa Monica, the Avalon in Beverly Hills, and the Tides in Miami Beach.” Oh, and Wikipedia also mentioned her Playmate of the Month status for Playboy magazine (You can pause your copy of Welcome to the Dollhouse to see her centerfold if you don’t have a stack of those magazines from 1994). Her “interview” for Playboy reveals her likes; swap meets and Nicholson Baker, and her dislikes, which include bad design, as well as her ambitions, which are, “To own my own marvelous design and furniture business.” Makes you want to take the playmate from October 1997 more seriously.

Despite the lack of clothes Wearstler used to wear, today her crazy fashions and hairstyles are the subject of wonder and debate, as people tune in every Wednesday to watch Top Design (I’m convinced she’s keeping the show afloat). Season 2 ended this week, and in the spirit of Bravo’s neglected Project Runway spin off, I present an ode to Kelly Wearstler and the “What is she wear(stler)ing?” questions you’ve probably been asking throughout the season.

When Pocahontas locked eyes with Dee Snider at Studio 54, a love affair filled with Cocaine binges and ground maize began. Every time they see this picture, they’ll remember the good times.

Adler to Wearstler: “Arm warmers and shorts? Seriously? You are so GAY!”

Separated at birth??

“Look, I don’t want to go through a whole song and dance with you. You’re going to love it. You just can’t do anything that violates the original painting, like giggling or itching. They do allow some nervous crying, but you can tell they don’t like it.”
(Thanks, Arrested Development! Wait ‘til Kelly takes a look at the fronts-piece.)

I offer one palm for $10, an aura cleansing for $25, and the Top Design winning title if you don’t look me directly in the eyes.

“I’m sorry, I have to stop the show for a moment. Kelly, I know being the Bride of Frankenstein can be challenging, but I don’t want you to be stuck in a loveless marriage. It pains me to see you like this.”

Thanks Kelly Wearslter for a great season! (No for realzz, you’re kind of cool).

Interior Design Presidential Dream

I have a dream. Well, actually, I had a dream last night. Normally I don’t remember my dreams, but something was special about this one. I’ve never put much faith into decoding the meaning behind dreams, but last night’s subconscious journey inspired me enough to share my vision of future interior design horror with everybody.

I found myself at a stairway leading into darkness, greeted by a familiar raging elderly face: Presidential hopeful John McCain.

Dream-induced monsters usually don’t bother me, but McCain’s sinister glance left me anxious and uncomfortable, and I was concerned the stairway would lead me to the gates of hell itself.

I was led somewhere far worse.

Suddenly, I was engulfed by ferocious lipsticked pit bulls. McCain disappeared without a trace.

“Where has he brought me?” I thought, “What is this?” I started to panic. Frantically trying to get my bearings, I came face to face with evil, but instead of fear, all I could think was, “It’s so… tacky???”

I was trapped in a dark room with absolutely no flair and zero class. Palin’s dungeon not only smelled like it needed a visit from MerryMaids, but she had no idea what to do with the place. Her bland personality created the most unimaginative evil lair in history. I felt bad for the pit bulls. No creature should have to exist in such a tepid space.

It seemed like there was no escape from this vapid prison, but without warning my dream shifted into another room, only it seemed that I had been led to another part of Palin’s passé dream habitat.

Is there any room in the campaign budget to give this woman a copy of Home & Design Magazine? Thankfully, rescue wasn’t far away (thanks brain!) and Future President and all around cool-guy Barack Obama swept me off of my feet and onto his dreamy hover board. Soon we were far from Palin’s stink station and seated in one of the most beautifully lavish headquarters I have ever seen.

A 30’ hand crafted Persian rug covered a Greek marble floor, mahogany chairs draped with Moroccan silk, Wilshire alabaster glass pendant hanging light fixtures. Everything was rich and magnificent and fit for a king—a king with style.
As quickly as we arrived, we were gone, off enjoying Obama’s very own library. My dream was really getting into gear now! Pure oak shelves lined with thousands of books from across the globe… and he had read every single one.

After sharing with me secret words I can no longer remember, Obama took my hand, asked if I was hungry, and then we were off to dine in pure elegance and style.

When I woke up, I realized how deeply this presidential campaign had permeated my subconscious. An intensely detailed dream about politics and interior design can’t be healthy.

Poor pit bulls.

Thanks To McDonald’s Monopoly Millions, Player Can Afford The Bad Taste He’s Always Had

9:35 PDT, Daytona, Fla. –

A sudden spike in the Daytona real estate market has occurred, immediately followed by a higher demand for Kawasaki jet-skis.

Financial analysts suspect this increase in mini-mansion tract home sales is due to the McDonald’s Corporation’s Monopoly Instant-Win game, which started just days ago.

Million-dollar winner Kent “Bud” Jessup’s first purchase was a 2004 PT Cruiser with flame decals, and to accompany his new car, Jessup bought his Daytona home.

“I needed somewhere to put her [the PT Cruiser]. So I got one of those houses with the cement half circle outside,” Jessup explained. “And then it just looked uneven, you know? Like a bad boob job. So I got the jet ski.”

Jessup won the McDonald’s grand prize after just 212 visits to the fast-food giant, collecting game pieces by alternately purchasing and eating Chicken Select sandwiches and Big Macs. The odds of winning the grand prize are 1 in 184,698,474. Jessup only gained 26 pounds in his pursuit.

A look inside Jessup’s home reveals his decorating inspiration.

“I wanted something that looked classy, like a ‘The Price is Right’ living room showcase. $10, 000 and up. But then I remembered how much I liked ShaqAttack’s (NBA player Shaquille O’Neal) home on Cribs,” said Jessup.

Jessup chose a “jungle theme” for his furnishings, and filled his living room with couches from La-Z-Boy. Vertical blinds were added to the windows. Plastic palm trees line the walls in what Jessup calls, “an ode to Florida.”

However, Jessup’s favorite part of the home is the master suite, complete with a full-scale replica of O’Neal’s circular Superman bed.

“You know how hard it is to find round sheets? I just don’t use them anymore,” said Jessup.

Interior design experts paneled for this article agreed that money doesn’t account for taste. The designer for Jessup’s home, Bobby Trendy, was unavailable for comment.

For Jessup, this is his dream home, thanks to his McDonald’s Monopoly win. The only problem?

“I haven’t decided where to put my favorite chair.”

Painkiller Peyton

This may be an interior design blog but I’m a huge sports fan and I couldn’t let Peyton Manning’s serious slip in form pass without comment… Do not abandon me readers! I will return with all the interior design goodness you crave. If you feel like crucifying me, flame away on the Real Talk interior design forum.

Following the Colts come from behind victory over the Minnesota Vikings last Sunday many top sports minds speculate the team is merely a pale shade of the 2005-2006 football behemoth that whooped on the Chicago Bears in Super Bowl XLI. In that historic game, Colts quarterback Peyton Manning was awarded the MVP after completing 25 of 38 passes for 247 yards, which included his orchestration of a spectacular Reggie Wayne touchdown.

Fast forward to 2008, the Colts are 1-1 and really deserve to be 0-2. Minnesota’s inability to throw the football is the only reason the Colt’s have a win under their belt. Manning has only thrown two touchdowns this season and appears uncharacteristically flustered inside the pocket.

What could put the veteran golden boy in this spectacular funk? Some believe the loss of Colt’s center Jeff Saturday, as well as guards Ryan Lilja, Mike Pollak and Tony Ugoh has led to their leader’s dramatic discombobulation. However, I believe the problem runs much deeper, a player like Manning shouldn’t loose his rhythm so easily.

My hypothesis: Peyton Manning has a painkiller addiction.

Manning’s durability is astronomical, but could it really last forever? Even the immortal Tom Brady finally succumbed to injuries this season. Are we supposed to believe that Manning has started 160 consecutive games injury free?

The signs of a painkiller addiction are horrifyingly apparent: First, Manning weathered an injury in the offseason which prevented him from playing any preseason games. Translation: he was too drugged out to play and was desperately trying to clean himself up.

Second, Manning looks like a cadaver in a football uniform. His skin is yellow, his eyes are barely open and he has experienced significant weight loss. Football players are supposed to gain weight in the offseason! (I’m looking at you JaMarcus Russel) Unless they’re on a strict weight-loss program most football players shouldn’t be losing weight when they’re not playing. Manning wasn’t very large to begin with, but in his current state he makes Martin Grammatica look like a linebacker.

Third, Manning’s ability has declined beyond mere trepidation or anxiety. He’s not the sharp, ultra-clutch Manning that once set the record for most touchdowns in a season. Manning’s throws lack the glorious zip and mind boggling accuracy that once marked him as a football hero. I’m assuming that’s what happens when you try and throw a football during a painkiller-induced haze.

What could reduce Manning to this sad state? Perhaps it was being usurped by his little brother Eli as the best Manning in the NFL. Perhaps it was having his single season touchdown record broken by Tom Brady. Or perhaps, dare I say… his Mojo is gone forever.