A few weeks ago I posted a blog about the $750 Billion Bailout Package that had just passed in Congress, (which has not really done much other than frustrate an entire nation of already terrified citizens and swell to more like $815 Billion) and now the debate lies over whether Congress should save The Detroit Three from going into bankruptcy. While so many of us witnessed the lack of success of the previous bailout package, it’s become increasingly difficult to gain sympathy for these large companies and the need save them.

Although many believe that bankruptcy would be a good thing and bring a needed makeover for the American auto giants, a clammy stench of impending doom still lingers in the air, “If Detroit loses that many jobs, it will be a total disaster!” While I disagree with this sentiment, I believe it would be unfair to disregard the possibility of such disaster and not offer some type of help.

Forget losing your home, Detroitians– you don’t need them. Instead, I recommend acquiring a Hummer fresh from the shut-down factory in lieu of money for your severance and transporting everything into your magical, new transporter!

The concept of a moving home is not a new one; after all, RV’s have been a part of America’s legacy for over 40 years. And besides just full-time living, a Hummer can be used for brief leisure activities like vacationing or camping. With all that leg room, arm room, and chest room, your Hummer can go from being your bedroom to a full-on party bus, only now with more dignity.

So fear not my friends. For every home lost, there remain at least four cars looking to take a family under their roofs. We will all get through this tough time, complete with love handles and mushy seats and 393 Horsepower.

“One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty, and One Hummer for all!”

On Thursday, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz became proud parents of a baby boy, whom they named Bronx Mowgli. Yes, Bronx Mowgli. Urban Jungle. Now, this is an interior design blog, so I’ll reserve judgment on this kid’s moniker (see The Daily Beast for hipster names to avoid) and, instead, celebrate little Bronx’s birth with cheers/jeers (or the baby equivalent, gurgle/poop) to the rooms of fellow celebrity babies.

*WARNING: composite photo courtesy of “Mommy, Will I Look Like?” Not actual baby results. Ashlee and Pete have not yet sold the first photos of Bronx Mowgli to People, Us Weekly, OK!, In Touch, or Star (but Papa Joe to has already secured deals for Bronx’s first birthday, potty training, school field trips, awkward puberty phase, and high school graduation)*

*WARNING 2: These “A List” celebrities offer their children’s rooms contingent upon their privacy being kept. That being said, most of these celebrities are not on the “A List”; they’re just begging for attention.*

Jaime Pressly

For her child’s jungle theme, Pressly bought custom pieces and commissioned an artist to paint panels inspired by The Jungle Book. The stuffed giraffe and other stuffed animals are from FAO Schwarz.

Although the room is very heavily themed (talk about beating it into the ground) and the child can enjoy nightmares associated with giant African predators looming over him each night, the sleigh crib seems climb proof, and the slats are close enough together so the baby’s head can’t get stuck.

VERDICT: gurgle

Jessica Alba

Part mod, part Victorian vintage, Alba keeps all that baby stuff to a minimum, and instead, plays up the child’s future cool factor when the crib is no longer needed. Much of the furniture in this room is designed with sustainability in mind.

There sure is a lot of pink in there, but surprisingly, it’s not overly frilly. The juxtaposition of the ornate light fixtures and the British invasion LOVE print make this room just right for a baby who’s a future It-Girl.

VERDICT: gurgle

Brooke Shields

A simple, calm space makes up Shields’ room design, created by Wendy Bellissimo. Not totally made up already, this room can be re-designed as her kid gets her own personality.

Well, it looks like a real (the window), usable (the hamper) room, but SNOOZE…

VERDICT: poop

Jennifer Lopez

For her twins, Lopez mastered a space that is as glamorous as she is. We can’t confirm it, but all of these pieces were probably custom made, hand sewn, and finished with the tears of an angel.

Let’s cut to the chase here, what kind of room is this for a baby (besides baby Liberace)? If I were a kid, I’d be terrified to spit-up in here, and my nanny would probably get fired if J-Lo ever found out I did.

VERDICT: poop

Christina Aguilera

The Nintendo inspired wall decals were Aguilera’s husband’s idea. In this large space, the baby’s crib is front and center, and offers the child a 360 view of all the wonder that’s in the room.

Is that giant moon made of metal? For the child’s safety, I pray not. I get the whole whimsical/celestial thing, but it’s a whole lotta look going on.

VERDICT: gurgle for Jordan Bratman’s input, poop for Christina Aguilera’s design (like I’d ever trust her to dress anything)

Amanda Peet

Peet readily admits she’s a big copycat, but she claims this was all organic inspiration. The “Funny Girl’ poster is the centerpiece for her child’s room, and the textiles, clean lines, and lack of “nursery” elements come from a Scandinavian design aesthetic.

How cute is that owl? This room is perfect for a privileged but street-smart kid from New York who uses only “Toms of Maine” toothpaste.

VERDICT: gurgle

Britney Spears

I got this photo from typing in “Britney Spears nursery” into a search engine, and according to the website, the picture is from a German publication that received a tour of her home. If it’s actually Spears’ nursery for her firstborn, it looks like she bought everything from QVC’s porcelain doll showcase hour.

Scary. Like, on a Michael Jackson level.

VERDICT: poop

It might not be the most pressing item on the presidential agenda, but the new First Family will definitely want to make the most famous residence in America feel like home.

Not every part of the White House can be altered, the first two floors are maintained by the Committee for the Preservation of the White House and remain intact for historical reasons. However, the top two floors designated for the presidential family are free for redesign.

The First Family gets to choose which room will serve as master bedroom and which will be designated for kids’ rooms and guest rooms. While the Clinton’s occupied the White House they made several changes to accommodate Chelsea.

Prior to the Clinton administration, the last child to live in the White House was Amy Carter. As expected, the White House has a stiff, historic feel pervading through rooms and interior angles, so I’m positive the Obama family will lighten things up so their daughters feel comfortable. I suggest making multiple playrooms for the Obama girls, Malia, 10 and Sasha, 7. Placing a few strategic tables and chairs around one of massive rooms, while leaving one room relatively open would create the perfect play balance. This way the kids can draw or read in one room and have bikes, Barbie dolls, and bounce houses in another!

Aside from some rooms looking pretty good and some contestants being fairly talented, I think the program’s biggest draw rests on one judge’s head… Kelly Wearstler.

Kelly Wearstler is an American interior designer who owns House of KWID. She has been praised as bringing maximalism to interior spaces, joining greats like Miles Redd and fellow Top Design judge Jonathan Adler. According to her Wikipedia entry, Wearstler is “particularly well-known for colorful mod-baroque commercial interiors, such as those of the Viceroy hotels in Palm Springs and Santa Monica, the Avalon in Beverly Hills, and the Tides in Miami Beach.” Oh, and Wikipedia also mentioned her Playmate of the Month status for Playboy magazine (You can pause your copy of Welcome to the Dollhouse to see her centerfold if you don’t have a stack of those magazines from 1994). Her “interview” for Playboy reveals her likes; swap meets and Nicholson Baker, and her dislikes, which include bad design, as well as her ambitions, which are, “To own my own marvelous design and furniture business.” Makes you want to take the playmate from October 1997 more seriously.

Despite the lack of clothes Wearstler used to wear, today her crazy fashions and hairstyles are the subject of wonder and debate, as people tune in every Wednesday to watch Top Design (I’m convinced she’s keeping the show afloat). Season 2 ended this week, and in the spirit of Bravo’s neglected Project Runway spin off, I present an ode to Kelly Wearstler and the “What is she wear(stler)ing?” questions you’ve probably been asking throughout the season.

When Pocahontas locked eyes with Dee Snider at Studio 54, a love affair filled with Cocaine binges and ground maize began. Every time they see this picture, they’ll remember the good times.

Adler to Wearstler: “Arm warmers and shorts? Seriously? You are so GAY!”

Separated at birth??

“Look, I don’t want to go through a whole song and dance with you. You’re going to love it. You just can’t do anything that violates the original painting, like giggling or itching. They do allow some nervous crying, but you can tell they don’t like it.”
(Thanks, Arrested Development! Wait ‘til Kelly takes a look at the fronts-piece.)

I offer one palm for $10, an aura cleansing for $25, and the Top Design winning title if you don’t look me directly in the eyes.

“I’m sorry, I have to stop the show for a moment. Kelly, I know being the Bride of Frankenstein can be challenging, but I don’t want you to be stuck in a loveless marriage. It pains me to see you like this.”

Thanks Kelly Wearslter for a great season! (No for realzz, you’re kind of cool).

I found myself at a stairway leading into darkness, greeted by a familiar raging elderly face: Presidential hopeful John McCain.

Dream-induced monsters usually don’t bother me, but McCain’s sinister glance left me anxious and uncomfortable, and I was concerned the stairway would lead me to the gates of hell itself.

I was led somewhere far worse.

Suddenly, I was engulfed by ferocious lipsticked pit bulls. McCain disappeared without a trace.

“Where has he brought me?” I thought, “What is this?” I started to panic. Frantically trying to get my bearings, I came face to face with evil, but instead of fear, all I could think was, “It’s so… tacky???”

I was trapped in a dark room with absolutely no flair and zero class. Palin’s dungeon not only smelled like it needed a visit from MerryMaids, but she had no idea what to do with the place. Her bland personality created the most unimaginative evil lair in history. I felt bad for the pit bulls. No creature should have to exist in such a tepid space.

It seemed like there was no escape from this vapid prison, but without warning my dream shifted into another room, only it seemed that I had been led to another part of Palin’s passé dream habitat.

Is there any room in the campaign budget to give this woman a copy of Home & Design Magazine? Thankfully, rescue wasn’t far away (thanks brain!) and Future President and all around cool-guy Barack Obama swept me off of my feet and onto his dreamy hover board. Soon we were far from Palin’s stink station and seated in one of the most beautifully lavish headquarters I have ever seen.

A 30’ hand crafted Persian rug covered a Greek marble floor, mahogany chairs draped with Moroccan silk, Wilshire alabaster glass pendant hanging light fixtures. Everything was rich and magnificent and fit for a king—a king with style.
As quickly as we arrived, we were gone, off enjoying Obama’s very own library. My dream was really getting into gear now! Pure oak shelves lined with thousands of books from across the globe… and he had read every single one.

After sharing with me secret words I can no longer remember, Obama took my hand, asked if I was hungry, and then we were off to dine in pure elegance and style.

When I woke up, I realized how deeply this presidential campaign had permeated my subconscious. An intensely detailed dream about politics and interior design can’t be healthy.

Poor pit bulls.

Stock Market Inspired Design Tips

On a tight budget, remember to be selective. Pick the most important rooms you wish to revamp and the specific elements and themes that are most significant. Carefully analyze your current home, furnishing and decorations before making a plan. Improve upon what you have, instead of starting completely from scratch.

Buying products secondhand is a key component of budget design. In addition to local thrift locations, most people grab their unique finds online at places like eBay.

The following ideas are simple and inexpensive decorating ways to liven up a room over without breaking the bank.

* Add mirrors to create light and space.

* Repaint cabinets, instead of replacing them. Paint will clean, freshen and liven up a cabinet. Just check with a local paint supply store for advice on painting unusual surfaces.

* Cover imperfections instead of fixing them. For example, place a rug over a discolored spot on your floor or a tapestry on a rough wall.

* Take off the curtains. If you have a nice view, maximize it by removing the window coverings.

* Organize the clutter. Improve a room with neat and organized decorations. Be creative and utilize your decor as storage with baskets or cabinets.

* Create your own wall art. Stencil patterns, wallpaper borders, stick on decals, maps, chalkboards are all inexpensive items to create a rooms uniqueness.

* Replace your lampshades.

* Paint. Paint creates a dramatic change for little money and effort. Be brave and try out new colors. Paint only one wall a vibrant color or paint furniture.

Remember these three items to save money without sacrificing quality – paint, fabric and artwork. Replace cost with your own labor. DIY decorating can be enjoyable and cost effective.

By the time my siblings and I reached high school, the spirit of Halloween had evolved into a serious design competition. Neighbors that were family friends 11 months out of the year became bitter rivals as the haunted house arms race began to escalate each October. Now that I’m older and have my own interior space to play with, I am ready to carry on the family haunted house tradition. I’ve decided to share a few trade secrets I’ve picked up over the years that will help Real Talk readers maximize their frightening designs. Any reader tips would be greatly appreciated!

The first thing to consider is what kind of space you have to work with. If you’re haunting your backyard, it’s obviously going to follow a different plan that an indoor haunted house, the same principle extends to haunting a school or business, you must change your goals depending on where you are decorating. I’ve known plenty of people who get supplies from their local lumber yard or party store and discover they were the wrong dimensions. Measure, measure, and measure… your measurements must be as accurate as possible. Of course, if you are an experienced interior designer, I probably don’t need to tell you that, but it’s always worth noting.

When designing your house keep a specific target audience in mind. My father may have enjoyed his own twisted glee by scaring children (believe me, we got more than a few crying kids escorted out of our backyard by angry parents), but luckily I think we can assume that he is the exception. So if your haunted house is targeted towards children, don’t go over the top with gore. No severed limbs spurting blood, no axe wielding maniacs chasing the patrons. Maybe a Frankenstein with a silly face or a plastic cauldron with dry ice inside to make it look like some kind of witches brew (but dry ice can be dangerous so don’t let kids touch it). Of course, if you do opt for crazy maniacs stalking your house patrons, make sure you advise them to take it easy on the children. Adding a real human touch to the house is a good idea, and its usually really easy to recruit friends and family to run around and scare people in your haunted house, because it’s really fun. Just make sure they don’t get carried away.

One item that is a necessity for any haunted house is the fake gravestone. This is a very simple prop; you can cut them out of Styrofoam or buy them at a party/costume store. Write whatever you want on the front (we all remember the stones from The Simpsons Halloween special with humorous engravings such as “Bambi’s Mom” “Lose Weight Now Ask Me How” “Slapstick” and “American Workmanship”). These fake gravestones are a perfect way to set the mood without spending too much money.

Another essential tool is haunted lighting. There is an infinite number of ways to set up Halloween lighting for your haunted house. Just remember that dark is scarier than light, so you have to be subtle. Use your lights to craft creepy shadows to step up the horror. There is usually a wide array of lights available at any party or costume shop, especially around Halloween time. There are lights shaped like bats, pumpkins or any other creepy element you want. Even department stores like Wal-Mart of Target will carry decorations such as these. To upgrade the fearsome atmosphere, music or ambient scary sounds are a must. Again, most stores will carry Halloween sounds during October and the right sounds in the right parts of your haunted house can really add to the spooky ambiance.

In addition to sounds and lights, a smart ghostly designer never skimps on plastic/rubber creepy crawlies. Buy kilos of fake bats and bugs and place them strategically around the haunted house to add that extra bit of fear and shock to the haunted experience. Another fun ghostly technique is placing a white sheet over a helium balloon, it will look like a ghost is hovering overhead!

Last but not least, consider your budget and be realistic. It’s easy to get excited and go overboard while designing a haunted house because the creative possibilities are endless. If you design a ridiculously scary haunted house but don’t have the money or time to execute it properly your devilish plans could fall apart before your eyes, but don’t let that restrict your ghoulish dreams, get motivated and be creative! There’s no reason you can’t make your neighbors jealous, because creativity and financial resources don’t always have go hand and hand.

A sudden spike in the Daytona real estate market has occurred, immediately followed by a higher demand for Kawasaki jet-skis.

Financial analysts suspect this increase in mini-mansion tract home sales is due to the McDonald’s Corporation’s Monopoly Instant-Win game, which started just days ago.

Million-dollar winner Kent “Bud” Jessup’s first purchase was a 2004 PT Cruiser with flame decals, and to accompany his new car, Jessup bought his Daytona home.

“I needed somewhere to put her [the PT Cruiser]. So I got one of those houses with the cement half circle outside,” Jessup explained. “And then it just looked uneven, you know? Like a bad boob job. So I got the jet ski.”

Jessup won the McDonald’s grand prize after just 212 visits to the fast-food giant, collecting game pieces by alternately purchasing and eating Chicken Select sandwiches and Big Macs. The odds of winning the grand prize are 1 in 184,698,474. Jessup only gained 26 pounds in his pursuit.

A look inside Jessup’s home reveals his decorating inspiration.

“I wanted something that looked classy, like a ‘The Price is Right’ living room showcase. $10, 000 and up. But then I remembered how much I liked ShaqAttack’s (NBA player Shaquille O’Neal) home on Cribs,” said Jessup.

Jessup chose a “jungle theme” for his furnishings, and filled his living room with couches from La-Z-Boy. Vertical blinds were added to the windows. Plastic palm trees line the walls in what Jessup calls, “an ode to Florida.”

However, Jessup’s favorite part of the home is the master suite, complete with a full-scale replica of O’Neal’s circular Superman bed.

“You know how hard it is to find round sheets? I just don’t use them anymore,” said Jessup.

Interior design experts paneled for this article agreed that money doesn’t account for taste. The designer for Jessup’s home, Bobby Trendy, was unavailable for comment.

For Jessup, this is his dream home, thanks to his McDonald’s Monopoly win. The only problem?

“I haven’t decided where to put my favorite chair.”

Today, after an eternity of contentious and frequently poignant debate, the federal government’s extensive and historic plan to bail out the nation’s financial system was signed into law by the always insightful President Bush. Although this plan is meant to stabilize our economy and build consumer confidence, there is still a great deal of fear and confusion in middle-class America. As this fear spreads across the internet like a pack of drunken wombats ghost-riding through Sydney, everyone is coming up with ideas on how to cope with our new economy. I noticed a post on Yahoo! Answers where a particularly drunken marsupial raised one of the best points I have heard throughout this entire debacle.

“How you gonna feel when you’re living in a cardboard box? And all the government and wall street guys are still living in their castles and mansions?”

The answer to this question is simple: you are going to feel awful. But you will feel better once you’ve upgraded that cardboard box into your personal pimping penthouse. Here are some things to keep in mind when moving into your new cardboard digs:

· Cardboard is versatile. Cut it, shape it, tape it, paint it; you’re the architect of your own dream home.

· Cardboard is environmentally friendly, being made up of about 2/3 recycled fiber and 1/3 virgin fiber.

· You can constantly upgrade your cardboard box home by adding rooms, or ceiling height. Don’t like it? Scrap it and find another box.

Who says that you can’t continue to live the life of style and elegance you were accustom to before our economy fell apart?

Here are some simple ways to turn your cardboard box into a cardboard home.

Step 1 — Find a scheme

You’ll want to consider several different designs to find the scheme that best fits your needs. Schemes are freehand sketches drawn to capture the essence of a plan under consideration, and they can be as simple as paper napkin sketches you designed at your local Yum Yum Donuts (they will gladly lend you a pen). Schemes are valuable tools that will help your initial vision materialize into a magnificent cardboard structure. This process normally takes three to six months, but since our economy is mushroom clouding towards your face, let’s be realistic and say three to six weeks.

Step 3– Develop the design

This is the phase of the process where dimensions are added to your schemes. Everything must be made to fit as you develop your scheme into a firmly dimensioned drawing.

Step 4—Be creative

Your box can be as beautiful/ horrendous as you want it to be. Perhaps you’d like to spice up your bedroom with a jungle theme sure to make your significant other shudders in fear pants with desire. Or maybe you’d like to keep your box simple with a modern minimalist theme of moldy beach towels and garbage. The possibilities are endless. Let your imagination run wild!

]]> http://realtalkdesign.wordpress.com/2008/10/03/worried-about-the-financial-collapse-learn-how-to-turn-your-cardboard-box-into-a-cardboard-home/feed/ 0 realtalkdesign Cardboard Box Green Panic Room Cardboard Box Slater Cardboard Box Jungle Cardboard Box http://realtalkdesign.wordpress.com/2008/09/19/painkiller-peyton/ http://realtalkdesign.wordpress.com/2008/09/19/painkiller-peyton/#comments Fri, 19 Sep 2008 19:24:05 +0000 realtalkdesign http://realtalkdesign.wordpress.com/?p=84 ]]> This may be an interior design blog but I’m a huge sports fan and I couldn’t let Peyton Manning’s serious slip in form pass without comment… Do not abandon me readers! I will return with all the interior design goodness you crave. If you feel like crucifying me, flame away on the Real Talk interior design forum.

Following the Colts come from behind victory over the Minnesota Vikings last Sunday many top sports minds speculate the team is merely a pale shade of the 2005-2006 football behemoth that whooped on the Chicago Bears in Super Bowl XLI. In that historic game, Colts quarterback Peyton Manning was awarded the MVP after completing 25 of 38 passes for 247 yards, which included his orchestration of a spectacular Reggie Wayne touchdown.

Fast forward to 2008, the Colts are 1-1 and really deserve to be 0-2. Minnesota’s inability to throw the football is the only reason the Colt’s have a win under their belt. Manning has only thrown two touchdowns this season and appears uncharacteristically flustered inside the pocket.

What could put the veteran golden boy in this spectacular funk? Some believe the loss of Colt’s center Jeff Saturday, as well as guards Ryan Lilja, Mike Pollak and Tony Ugoh has led to their leader’s dramatic discombobulation. However, I believe the problem runs much deeper, a player like Manning shouldn’t loose his rhythm so easily.

My hypothesis: Peyton Manning has a painkiller addiction.

Manning’s durability is astronomical, but could it really last forever? Even the immortal Tom Brady finally succumbed to injuries this season. Are we supposed to believe that Manning has started 160 consecutive games injury free?

The signs of a painkiller addiction are horrifyingly apparent: First, Manning weathered an injury in the offseason which prevented him from playing any preseason games. Translation: he was too drugged out to play and was desperately trying to clean himself up.

Second, Manning looks like a cadaver in a football uniform. His skin is yellow, his eyes are barely open and he has experienced significant weight loss. Football players are supposed to gain weight in the offseason! (I’m looking at you JaMarcus Russel) Unless they’re on a strict weight-loss program most football players shouldn’t be losing weight when they’re not playing. Manning wasn’t very large to begin with, but in his current state he makes Martin Grammatica look like a linebacker.

Third, Manning’s ability has declined beyond mere trepidation or anxiety. He’s not the sharp, ultra-clutch Manning that once set the record for most touchdowns in a season. Manning’s throws lack the glorious zip and mind boggling accuracy that once marked him as a football hero. I’m assuming that’s what happens when you try and throw a football during a painkiller-induced haze.

What could reduce Manning to this sad state? Perhaps it was being usurped by his little brother Eli as the best Manning in the NFL. Perhaps it was having his single season touchdown record broken by Tom Brady. Or perhaps, dare I say… his Mojo is gone forever.